


How to eat a Rugelach

by mobcamp (orphan_account)



Category: South Park
Genre: Happy Sex, I don't know what else to tag this, It started as a crack fic but I think i got too serious lol, Kyle is a cute submissive bottom, M/M, Stan is the top ofc, don't worry wendy's role isn't as bitter ex, porn with a mild plot, they don't use a condom? really unsafe sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-04 14:48:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14595327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mobcamp
Summary: Sometimes happiness isn't where one would expect AKA "I thought I could be happy if I dated my best friend, but I ended up instead having sex with his cousin & it was nice so I'm just sticking with it instead of my original plan".





	How to eat a Rugelach

**Author's Note:**

> Note: A Rugelach is a type of Jewish pastry.... I wouldn't recommend googling it unless you want to be stuck with that mental image as you're reading porn, but like. I'm not your mom. The title is a knock-off a BNHA doujin titled How To Eat a Doughnut Hole.

“Is there someone you like?”

Like, or hate, there hadn’t been someone like that for a while.

Still, it was sort of impressive he had even reached that level of casualness with his ex-girlfriend for her to ask this sort of thing. The people around them seemed more on edge about it, like they expected Stan to lash out, but of course, he didn’t.

“Why you ask? Do you have a new crush?”

Stan liked hearing about Wendy’s love life. Since she had gotten into high school she’d become blatantly bisexual. He thought that was pretty gutsy.

“No? I just think you look kind of lonely so you should definitely work on that.”

Stan shrugged at her. “You’re still the prettiest girl in town.”

Wendy shrugged back. “Then date a guy.”

Stan paused.

“That’s easy for you to say.”

Wendy combed her fingers through her hair thoughtfully. A pretty girl through & through.

“If you had to date a guy, who would it be, Stan?”

Stan didn’t have to think it over. “Kyle.”

“Why him? Token is cuter.”

“He seems like the kind that would take it seriously.”

Wendy straightened in her desk with interest.

“You know, the reason I haven’t dated Bebe, is because I want to cherish her.”

“I thought she was straight...”

Wendy covered her mouth as she snickered.

“Yes, I’ve already been rejected twice. But the point is, if the person you cherish the most happens to also be someone you can fall in love with, then you really lucked out.”

 

/////

 

“Really lucked out, huh... I don’t feel lucky.”

It had been 3 months since that conversation, but it still stuck on him. How would Kyle even react if he confessed to him?

He’d probably be a bit surprised, but even if he rejected him, he’d still talk it out civilly because that was the type of person Kyle was. Even if things became awkward, he trusted their friendship was strong enough it would naturally smooth out with time, so really, there was nothing to lose.

Sitting on the sidewalk in front of Kyle’s house, he pretended to wait, even though Kyle was doing community service stuff and wouldn’t be back until late.

He uselessly thought about how it would even be like to date another boy. Probably the same than a girl? Only that he probably wouldn’t have to pay for dates.

No... He would still want to pay, anyways, just to be polite. Though Kyle probably wouldn’t let him.

“Heyy... aren’t you cousin Kyle’s friend.... Whatsyourname...?”

Someone was talking from behind him. Stan nodded absentmindedly without looking.

What about sexual stuff? When it got down to it, Stan felt he could probably get it up even for an animal balloon in the middle of a carnival, but...

What if he couldn’t?

“Are you thinking hard about something? I get that! It’s fine. I’ll wait...”

With his moment of self-doubt, Stan became troubled. He could stand everything except being a disappointment in bed to his future lover. It was the pride of a young man in the prime of his libido, if you may.

“I know I said I’d wait, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m just being ignored.... No, that can’t be...”

The impatient boy grabbed Stan’s shoulder.

“Are you ignoring me?”

Stan finally looked over his shoulder at him.

It wasn’t anyone impressive. It was Kyle’s weird cousin, Kyle Schwartz.

He’d met him a few times before, but didn’t really have an interest in getting friendly with him. Stan gave him a short nod of acknowledgment then turned back to his thinking.

To his surprise, out of the corner of his eye, Stan noticed Kyle Schwartz clumsily and difficultly stumble to sit down beside him on the sidewalk.

“Unf... Did you hear my knees creak? I could swear one of my bones cracked... And this dirt... I hope my eczema doesn’t act out....”

Stan felt irritation rise in him. _Why did you even sit down in the first place?_

Stan tried to seem as standoffish as he could to see if Kyle would take the hint and leave quickly.

He didn’t.

There was heavy silence.

Sitting primly with his hands on his knees, Kyle cleared his throat self-importantly and started talking.

“I don’t know if cousin Kyle has told you, but I recently... ‘came out of the closet’.”

He said the last phrase like an old-timer trying to take a hold of youthful slang.

This perked at Stan’s attention. Of course, Kyle Broflovski would never talk about his cousin even if he was dying.

“I hadn’t heard.”

Kyle nodded uneasily. He seemed to have become a bit more fidgety.

“Truth is... I have always thought you were one of the most handsome boys I’ve ever seen. So, if your preferences also lean that way, if it wasn’t much of a bother—”

Stan’s eyes were boring into his face intensely.

“Yes, I’m also gay.”

Kyle’s entire face flushed. “Do you mind, then, maybe...?”

“Do you want to have sex?”

Kyle’s eyes widened under his glasses, which only made his face be more eyes than it already was.

“I-I was thinking a date, maybe, but...”

Stan pulled out a hand from his jacket pocket to place it down over Kyle’s wrist.

It felt unnatural to be so sexually aggressive, but with someone so submissive he felt he had to take the lead or else they wouldn’t get anywhere.

While we’re on that, Stan didn’t really have any idea where he was going with this, he’d never before even blatantly stated he was gay before, and to be honest, he wasn’t even sure if that was true, but he was just seeing where this would take him. It was a sort of childish curiosity, really.

Stan stood and tugged on Kyle’s arm.

“Let’s go to my house.”

Kyle nodded awkwardly, avoiding his eyes. “I-I’ll just go get my spare inhaler from my luggage, i-in case I need it, then...”

Stan helped him to stand, then hooked his thumbs over his jeans smugly. “Yeah, you’ll definitely need it.”

Kyle gave a mild “ _Ooof._..” of realization before waddling hurriedly up the driveway of the Broflovski’s house.

 

//////

 

“Your body is way better than I expected. Those clothes really don’t suit you at all.”

As soon as they arrived at Stan’s room and locked the door, Stan had ordered Kyle to strip, and with surprising cooperation, he had actually done it. Under his baggy sweater, Kyle’s body was pale and plump, as expected of someone who never did any physical activity, but it wasn’t unattractive.

Actually, it was the opposite.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, Stan reached out and squeezed his hands over Kyle’s hips to pull him in between his knees. Kyle was cupping a hand over his mouth to prevent himself from breathing too hard.

“ _We’re really doing this_...” He said with his muffled voice.

“This underwear is kind of lame...”

Stan was just saying it, but he really thought the white undies suited him.

Really made it blatant he was about to do this with a boy.

He thumbed the hem of Kyle’s underwear, a vague fear rising up his chest whether he’d feel disgusted once he actually saw another guy’s dick. To then, he felt he was getting into it since Kyle’s body was plump in all the right places, but...

Stan pressed his hand over Kyle’s bulge and started to rub him through his underwear. Kyle’s reaction was immediate and strong. He stooped his body as if trying to get away from his hand, but Stan quickly hooked an arm around his waist to pull him in. Kyle bumped into him, his head resting on Stan’s shoulder.

“ _T-that’s kinda_...” Kyle breathed with complaint.

Stan had thought that with Kyle Schwartz's dorky voice he’d probably have to put a tape on his mouth to keep a boner, but when he was stuttering in pleasure and panting into his hair, it was kind of sexy.

Stan pinched Kyle’s underwear out of the way, the side of his fingers beginning to stroke the soft skin underneath. Kyle was squirming like he still wanted to get out of the way, but the way his hands were tightened into fists over his navel hinted at a type of self-struggle.

Stan continued to pinch and pull on Kyle’s underwear until it had twisted into Kyle’s buttcrack. It also made the front tighten into some sort of cloth cocoon that framed the outline of Kyle’s dick. A big wet spot was beginning to stain the front. Stan stifled a giggle.

“M-my underwear is getting dirty....” Kyle squirmed.

“ _Mm-hm_.” Stan answered as he nudged a finger behind Kyle’s balls.

It was kind of incredible. Guys really didn’t have anything in that space, the way girls did. Stan continued to slide his finger backward until he dug into Kyle’s butt cheeks. He pulled the string of underwear to the side as he pressed back down, and found what he was looking for.

He probed the tip of his finger into Kyle’s asshole and Kyle jumped.

Seeming to know what was going to happen, Kyle reached up to place his hands on Stan’s shoulders to steady himself.

“You’re really fine being my bottom...?” Stan mumbled almost absentmindedly.

Out of nowhere, Stan was surprised as he felt Kyle tighten his grip around his shoulders, his face buried into Kyle’s plump chest.

They couldn’t see eachother’s faces but a comfortable intimacy was set.

Kyle didn’t say anything, but that was obviously a “yes”.

The heat of Kyle’s skin shot straight to Stan’s dick, and he felt the need to pause his exploration of Kyle’s genitalia to touch himself. He unbuckled his jeans and pulled his dick into his hand. One of his hands still gripping Kyle’s waist, he began to stroke himself.

Recognizing Stan’s jerky movements, Kyle moved his body in closer, Stan’s tip digging in between his thighs. Stan quivered. Stan released his dick and with fidgety fingers hooked Kyle’s underwear and pulled it down. In the heat of the moment, he didn’t have time to even look at Kyle’s dick as he squeezed his hands down on Kyle’s buttcheeks and dug his dick forcefully between his thighs.

Stan toppled onto his back on the bed, letting Kyle yelp in surprise as he was dragged along. He continued to squeeze down on Kyle’s buttcheeks and began to hump into his thighs.

It was no good, in that position there wasn’t enough grip.

Stan flipped Kyle over on the bed, standing up to grip Kyle by the legs and finish pulling his underwear off. Kyle looked up at Stan with his big, bespectacled eyes and blinked expectantly.

It was kind of cute.

Stan reached out to rub his thumb over Kyle’s lip before leaning down and kissing him.

He hadn’t planned on doing that.

He really hadn’t thought it through at all, because next second, Kyle had latched onto him like a hungry little piranha, his arms and legs locked tightly around his neck and waist.

Kyle was landing kisses wherever he reached, leaving faint trails of moistness. His lips felt like a featherly lick, it was extremely pleasant. But Stan’s attention was more on how every time their bodies rocked his dick would rub up between Kyle’s ass cheeks. It wasn’t an ideal position, but it was really stirring him on. From that position, it seemed so easy to just push into Kyle’s ass...

Stan tried to pull away from Kyle’s fiery attack to keep inspecting his butt, but Kyle wasn’t letting go. As Kyle started using tongue, though, Stan got caught up.

Their tongues pressed together inexperienced, twisting, then sucking... Stan couldn’t contain himself and ended up gripping down on Kyle with force to latch his lips over Kyle’s nipple and suck on it until it was red and irritated. Kyle squirmed in complaint, but the way his dick started twitching against Stan’s stomach only served to drive Stan further up a wall.

Kyle, once again humbled by his lust, obediently let Stan open up his legs as he wanted. Stan started to stroke him with one hand as he pried the fingers of his other hand into his ass.

“This is cleaner than I expected...”

Kyle’s eyes were glazed over. He was biting down on his thumb. He nodded his head absentmindedly.

“I had an enema this morning, that’s probably why.”

“An enema...?”

“I had been constipated all week.”

“Dude, I didn’t have to know that...”

“Oh, sorry. Not very sexy, is it?”

Still, Stan was grateful.

As he began to push his fingers in, he found it surprisingly easy. When he had looked up reference for gay sex online he had heard it would be difficult without any type of lubricant, but the inside of Kyle’s ass was slick and soft.

“I didn’t know guys could get all slippery like this...”

Kyle reached to hold his knees up. “Oh, that’s probably the Nupercainal ointment I use for—”

“—Shhh.” suspecting it was related to another one of his health issues, Stan cut him off. He didn’t really have to know, all he knew was that whatever it was, it was helping them, and that was enough.

Stan took hold of Kyle’s knees to grip him into place as he aligned his dick to Kyle’s opening.

To his surprise, Kyle suddenly tried to squeeze shut his legs.

“—what’s wrong?”

Kyle shrugged, trying to avoid Stan’s eyes awkwardly. Since they had already gotten that far, Stan thought he had already forgotten about his shyness, but apparently not.

“ _I’m the only one that’s undressed_.....” It was a mumble.

“Oh.”

Stan had thought it more important to get Kyle undressed, so he hadn’t even thought about himself. He didn’t think Kyle would even mind. But the shy way Kyle was saying it hinted at his own curiosities. He wanted to see Stan’s body, too.

Stan cracked into a satisfied half-grin as he pulled his shirt up.

“Just so you know, I don’t have a little kid body like you.”

Kyle’s eyes were glued to Stan’s abs. His dick twitched.

“Dh-d-do you exercise—?”

Stan finished pulling off his shirt and tossed it aside. He couldn’t bother with his jeans, but that seemed good enough for Kyle. He let Stan nestle between his legs again.

“I’m on the football team.”

“A-amazing...”

Kyle kept staring at Stan’s muscles yearningly, so as he started to push the tip of his dick in, Stan reached out for one of the fingers Kyle was anxiously nibbling on and pressed it to his abdomen.

Stan couldn’t tell if Kyle’s face became bright pink from touching Stan’s abs or because of the sweet exhale of pleasure he released as Stan penetrated him.

“ _Ah_...”

Stan could only drown in the feeling.

If he had to pick, this had to be the best he’d ever felt in his entire life.

As he kept pushing in until his dick was completely buried in Kyle, he could finally muster enough lucidity to look down at how his partner was doing.

Kyle’s hand was still pressing against Stan’s chest, but the other was in a fist in his mouth as if he was trying hard not to make any noise. His eyes were shut tight.

As Stan was about to reach down to remove his fist, Kyle suddenly removed it on his own and blinked his eyes open to look at Stan.

“Why did you stop moving...?” he mumbled disappointedly.

Stan smiled down at him.

He laced fingers with both of Kyle’s hands and propped his weight down on the bed so his stomach would rub against Kyle’s dick when he started moving.

He grind his hips into Kyle and Kyle squirmed and let out a tiny noise from his throat. It wasn’t long before Stan had worked up a rhythm.

He didn’t know if he was really doing it correctly, but when he’d pause slapping his hips against Kyle’s ass and would just grind in a circular motion for a while, Kyle wouldn’t stop squirming and wetting himself against Stan’s stomach, so he thought that was probably good.

The more he teased Kyle, the more his little whimpers would leak, and his hips would squirm trying to rub and push down on him to be penetrated faster. It was addicting.

But Stan couldn’t shake the feeling that he was probably doing something wrong, because even though he’d been close to ejaculating since the moment he had even put the tip in, Kyle had been leaking and moaning for close to thirty minutes, but still hadn’t ejaculated.

He probably hadn’t found his sweet spot yet.

But who said he had to?

Stan pulled out and toppled over on the bed, besides Kyle, pretending to be exhausted.

Kyle perked up, his brown afro looking like a disheveled bird nest.

He pressed his hand gently against Stan’s chest.

“I want... I want more.” He said with a hint of demand.

Stan almost cracked into a laugh.

“Then climb on.” Stan gestured to his dick.

“O-oh.”

Kyle fidgeted for a second before cautiously sliding a leg over Stan.

Stan really wanted to take this sight in, so he crossed his arms behind his head and watched carefully as Kyle struggled to sit on him.

Once on top, Kyle held Stan’s dick in his hand and seemed uncertain about how exactly to even put it in himself.

He propped up to his knees, and with Stan’s dick still in his hand, he arched his body backward until he felt the tip press into his hole. He tried to slide down slowly, Stan penetrating him barely a millimeter a second.

It was extremely erotic, but it was so slow Stan was beginning to lose his mind.

Kyle whimpered as he pulled on the edges of his ass, seeming to think that would make the penetration faster.

Something inside Stan snapped.

The next second he reached for Kyle’s hips and pushed him down by force. Kyle let out a surprised yelp, which quickly turned to moans as Stan sat up and took hold of his ass to thrust into him freely.

Kyle once again latched his arms around Stan’s neck, his voice leaking into Stan’s ear.

It was too much. He definitely wanted for Kyle to get off before him, but he was so on edge he started thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad even if he ejaculated first since he could still take care of Kyle afterward.

With that in mind, he pushed Kyle down on the bed once again and let his hips move out of control.

It was too hot. Everything was too hot. He felt like his body was going to melt and fuse together with Kyle’s.

When he teetered on the edge, Kyle’s grip loosened around his neck, he heard a yelp that sounded like he was in pain.

Stan ejaculated.

It was still hot, but as the high left his body, he remembered the sites had also said to use a condom. At first, he thought it was because the asshole was dirty, so seeing Kyle’s pristine enema butt was a relief, but as he pulled out his dick, he realized he had released all his junk inside.

“Oh.....sorry about that.”

He looked down at Kyle’s face. At some point, Kyle had seemed to lose all the strength in his body, and Stan realized why now.

Their stomachs were smeared of Kyle’s cum, he had ejaculated more than once. He now seemed exhausted and struggling to keep his eyes open, as expected of a nerd who rarely did physical activity....

He blinked up at Stan with his weary eyes. He had a tiny satisfied smile on his lips.

“ _Did that feel good_..?” He mumbled.

Stan smiled warmly back at him.

“It was really good.” He reassured him.

Kyle slid his hand down to his stomach and rubbed his belly.

“ _I’m going to get pregnant_...”

He passed out from exhaustion.

“What a weird thing to leave off with...” Stan mumbled.

Now that his head was cool, and his libido satisfied, Stan started to see the cum stains on his jeans, and the bedsheets, and even part of the rug on the floor.

There was also the issue of Kyle being naked and passed out on his bed.

How on earth was he even going to get this all cleaned up before his parents arrived home.......

It was already past 8pm, his parents were already home.

Shit.

 

///////

 

Wendy tapped her fingers on Stan’s desk to catch his attention.

“Why are you smiling to yourself like that? Something good happened, didn’t it?” She grinned happily as she sat down on her desk in front of him, leaning over him nosely. “Did you finally confess to Kyle?”

“How did you—”

“—know?” she finished for him primly, “it’s just a woman’s intuition.”

Stan nodded understandingly.

“I haven’t really confessed, but I’m planning on doing it the day after tomorrow when he visits.”

Wendy was confused by the word ‘visits’ but thought she probably misheard.

“We’re having our anniversary of the 30th time we’ve had sex, so I’m planning on asking him maybe after I give him his present? Or do you think that would be too corny?”

“A... a sex anniversary?” Wendy stuttered.

“That’s after dinner, too. And about the present, do you think a tie pin is good enough? Kyle gave me a set of matching rings on our last sex anniversary, so it seems—”

“—matching rings...?”

Stan held up his hand to show a simple but shiny strip of silver on his ring finger.

“—but really, what if he only sees me as a sex friend and rejects my confe—”

“—shut up.” Wendy cut in.

“What, why?”

“Just shut up.”

Wendy wouldn’t admit she was jealous. Even though Stan didn’t know it, he was already part of a happy, stable relationship.

**Author's Note:**

> In case anyone is wondering, yeah, Stan's parents heard everything, and once Stan came out of the room, Sharon was just like "...we support u son", but Randy was actually the one who helped him clean up the mess upstairs. They couldn't look eachother in the eye for like a month, but everything turned out OK.  
> Kyle Broflovski thinks Stan is just really desperate, but he supports them, anyways.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @you-wont-even-let-me-apologize  
> lolol


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